Thursday, July 16, 2009

Sometimes

Sometimes I almost forget that my kid has Autism.

She rattles off a few clear-as-a-bell sentences.
She looks me straight in the eye and laughs.
I start to think... maybe she's just delayed socially.
Maybe we're all overreacting.

(July 2008- 3 years old)

But then I read a 4 year milestones list on some parenting website
or in a magazine.
I watch two young kids about her age have a real conversation with each other.
She has a screaming fit because we have to bring out the broom
to sweep the kitchen,
because apparently it's just as frightening as the vacuum these days.

And I am forced to remember.
Abby has Autism.
And that sucks.
I love her just as she is,
but it sucks.
This isn't the way I imagined my life as a parent.
Sometimes I cry about it. And he cries, too.
And after the pity party,
I remember.

(July 2009- 4 years old)

Abrielle is Abby J. and she is the coolest little girl I know.
And I am so blessed to be her mama.
We can do this.
We've only just begun.

13 comments:

Trojan Gayle said...

What a gorgous post and quite uplifting and positive real life lesson.

I guess it good seeing that you are trying to learn life lesson and enjoy life at the same time. Rather than to learn the leasson when Abby has grown and is independent of you.

Have a great weekend.

Troj

Anonymous said...

she IS the coolest little girl ever.
remember to stop and ask yourself where she gets that... because you're the coolest big girl ever ;)
xo. kari

My name is Erin. said...

Thanks, Trojan. Sometimes it get overwhelming. We have a good cry and get over it. What else can you do?! :) I'm so thankful for your loyal blog friendship. Have a great weekend!

Kari- You're pretty damn cool yourself. That's why you're our friend. We miss you more that we let on. Like daily... seriously. WE MISS YOU!

Fidgeting Gidget said...

I admire you and every other parent of a child on the spectrum. I know you love your child, but sometimes, like you said, it has to be extremely frustrating. You're definitely allowed to have a "why us?" moment every once in a while. Thanks for allowing me and everyone else reading this to see your raw emotion about it! :)

My name is Erin. said...

Thank you, F.G. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling that way, but that's a mother's guilt. I would probably feel guilty regardless. It's an interesting emotion and I find it fascinating that there is such a thing as "a mother's guilt". We are constantly questioning ourselves. And critiquing ourselves. "Am I doing enough?" "No. I could do more." But there are times when simply making it through the day has to be enough. Thanks for reading!

julochka said...

she's so pretty and although i can't relate, b/c i don't even know anyone with autism, i'm sure it's quite a journey...but that you're also lucky to havea few clear-as-a-bell sentences.

and you take lovely pictures of her, which surely counts for something. :-)

parenting is hard. and there are tears. but i think it's worth it. :-)

My name is Erin. said...

Thank you, Julochka! We are so blessed to have clear-as-a-bell sentences. Really! I know we are and I try to focus on that during the massive scream fests she throws. Really, the good outweighs the bad and I try remember that always. Thanks for visiting! :)

paula said...

she is perfect! I love how real you are, it must be hard at times. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

My name is Erin. said...

Thank you, Paula! I think we moms need to be real with each other. Parenting is rewarding, sure, but it's also hard. And when times get hard, that's when we need to support each other. And be honest with each other. I try to always be honest. Hope you have a great weekend, too! :)

Dani G said...

We can do this. Across the state, we're in this together.

My name is Erin. said...

Dani- That made me tear up. We ARE in this together and I draw strength from that fact. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Gloria said...

What a thorougly lovely and ispirational poem. We're none of us perfect and we're never too old to learn and there's always a great deal we can learn from our children if we know but how to look. Go Erin . . . good job!!!

The Meredith Family said...

I was talking to a friend just today about kids with special needs ( she has one with MANY) and we were talking about how when we get to heaven maybe WE will be the ones with special needs... Maybe the way THEY are is how God intended it to be... Maybe we should just get down to there level and "twirl leaves in our fingers". I know you embrace abby!! i think its wonderful and inspiring Erin... you are so amazing and strong. she is VERy blessed to have you as her mommy!!Thank you for sharing your life with the world and encouraging people the way you do.