I Knew In a Moment It Must Be St. Nick! His Fingerprints Were Everywhere!

I never believed in Santa Clause.

Not ever.

There are a number of reasons why my mother didn't play the Santa Clause game. All were good reasons and I respect her decision to this day. Here are a couple of her reasons:

1. My mother used to wear a brooch during the holidays that said, "Jesus Is The Reason For The Season". She wanted us to celebrate Jesus' birth and the gifts we received were simply symbolic of the gifts brought that night to the manger by the three wise men. She taught us of the evils of rampant consumerism and to be genuinely thankful for each gift we were given.
2. My mom was a single mom and she worked hard for every single thing we had. Why should she be expected to write the name of some fictitious entity on the gift tag when she'd either worked extra hours, away from her kids, to buy it or stayed up late, sacrificing precious sleep, to make us the quilt we'd cherish for years to come. She wasn't about to let Santa steal her thunder.

How did this affect her children? I don't think it had any real ill effect on us, nor did it make us exceptionally well-balanced or anything. And though I respect her decision to not foster a childhood belief in Santa Clause, both my older brother and I have decided to lie to teach our children about Santa Clause. Here's the main reason I choose to lie to perpetuate the Santa Clause myth:

When I was in the first-grade, I felt superior to my classmates, because I knew there was no Santa. I had not been "lied to" my entire life and felt that my friends had been done an extreme injustice. I probably shouldn't have been able to watch so many episodes of Perry Mason as a kid.

On one specific playdate, I was bound and determined to prove once and for all that my classmate from school, Valerie, had been mislead into believing a horrible and malicious lie. It was a mass conspiracy involving her parents and that strange, creepy man in the red suit at the mall who's lap she'd sat on. *shudder* Clearly I was doing her a favor.

She asked me, "Then why are there presents under the tree from Santa?"

I answered, "Uh, because your parents put them there."

She simply couldn't believe this was possible.

"Doesn't Santa come on Christmas Eve?" I questioned her.

"Yeah..." she ventured.

"Then why are there already gifts from Santa under your tree when Christmas isn't for another week?!" I exclaimed. I knew I had her there! Who could question such a logical observation?

Apparently I had underestimated the hold that the Santa myth had on poor, mislead Valerie.

"Because Santa can't possibly visit ALL the houses all over the world in one night! He dropped them off here early." she answered confidently.

Obviously this had already been "explained" to her. I launched into an explanation of the "Magic of Santa" and how his ability to visit every single house in the world in one night was part of what made him supposedly "sooooo magical!"

I harnessed all of my six-year old detective skills and asked Valerie to fetch me a sample of her mother's handwriting. I was obviously going to have to bring out the big guns. We sat crouched in her living room, under her decorated Christmas tree. I held a piece of paper, maybe a grocery list, with her mom's handwriting on it next to a gift tag signed, "from: Santa".

Valerie couldn't deny the obvious similarities. She ran crying to her mother.

I was so satisfied with myself. I'd saved one child from a childhood of lies. What a saint I was! Sure I felt a little bad. I didn't want to make my friend cry, but as the saying goes, you have a break a few eggs to make an omelet. Right?

Soon I was face to face with Valerie's mom. She looked at me like I was a horrible child. I'd just undone all the magic she'd worked so hard to create in her daughter's mind. What kind of kid would do that?! "You might not believe in Santa in your house, but in this house, we like to pretend and have fun at Christmas! I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your beliefs to yourself." I shrugged it off and thought, "What a liar!"

But I did always feel a little bad. Poor Valerie. I'm sure the magic of Santa was gone for her, no matter what her parents did to repair the damage I'd done. It also damaged our friendship forever.

I went to a private school the following year and for the year after that. When I returned to the public school system, it was to a different elementary school. And when Valerie and finally met up again in the 7th grade, she was not as keen on rekindling our friendship as I was. I actually almost got into a fist fight with a close friend of hers our Senior year of high school, because I kissed a boy Valerie had a crush on. I didn't even know she liked him. I felt terrible about the whole thing, but it didn't matter. I was clearly a terrible person. Not only did I crush her childhood Christmas fantasies, but I also kissed the boy whom she had a crush on.

And so I'm doing my part to save my kids from being "horrible" like their mom.

I don't want my kids to be terrible crushers of children's dreams. My kids believe in Santa. I hope this atones for the damage I did to poor Valerie's psyche.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry, Valerie. Wherever you are.

(all photos found via Google images)

The Abby Scarf

For anyone who would like the Abby Scarf from Kusala Knitworks, just send an email to Jenifer at kusalaknitworks@gmail.com or send her a custom item request from her Etsy shop.

She sold out, which is awesome! But she'll make more! Even more cool. Seriously amazing, Jen. Thank you!

And don't forget to go visit Dani & Brodie!

We Have Some Great Friends!

I've been meaning to get this posted for a while now. I was really hoping to get photos of Abby wearing her new scarf from my friend, Jen, but my rechargeable batteries are refusing to recharge and apparently I can't seem to remember to buy new batteries in the hundred times I've been at the store since I initially set out to do this. *shaking head in amazement* Some days I wonder how we make it through the day.

Anyway... my friend, Jenifer Rank, is one of the most thoughtful and giving people I've ever met. She really is amazing. Her latest venture is her Etsy shop, Kusala Knitworks, where she donates a portion of her sales to different charitable organizations depending on the item you buy. She has knit up a beautiful little scarf that she has named the "Abby" and with each purchase of the Abby scarf, she'll make a donation to Autism Speaks. This is incredibly sweet and such an honor to be a part of Jen's world. I bawled my eyes out when she first told me about it. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude. I know I should have posted this a month ago, but please, please, please go visit Jen's shop and cross that last minute gift off of your list. It not only helps out a good cause, but it supports one of the most generous people I know! Love you, Jen! XOXO

Then be sure to come on back, because I have another site I hope you'll go check out.

When I read through other blogs and websites about some of the treatments that some kids on the Spectrum have had success with, I wonder, "Are we doing enough?" So far Abby has done great just with the play/classroom therapies she gets at school and I'm so thankful, but is anything ever enough? I'll be interested in seeing the successes that Brodie and her mom, Dani, will hopefully experience with some of the things they are trying. Please take a moment to go read about the battle that this "Warrior Mom" is waging in the Trenches of Autism with her sweet girl over at I'm just that way and that's just me. I hope you'll check back with Dani & Brodie from time to time, because Dani is so smart, so funny and truly a Warrior Mom. She is an inspiration to me in so many ways. And she has great taste in music. : )

Thanks for supporting us in your thoughts, your prayers and I really hope that some of you will consider opening up your wallets to buy the Abby scarf for someone on your holiday list.

Fall 2009 Progress Report

We recently received Abby's Progress Report for the Fall school season. They have 8 different categories and are graded for each age range (2-5) and are given grades as follows:

I - IEP (Individual Education Plan) Goal Area

P - Progressing

M- Mastered This Skill

Abby has Mastered everything in the 2 year old category, but is still being graded on a few things in the 3 year and 4 year category. Here are her "grades".

Social/Emotional

3 Years

• Stays with an activity for 5+ minutes = M (mastered)
• Begins to accept some correction/frustration = M (she still has a hard time with this at home)
• Actively seeks parallel play = M
• Begins to share and take turns = M

4 years

• Stays with an activity 10+ min. = M
• Follows class rules/routines = M
• Completes tasks in small groups (with 2-3 peers) = M
• Plays and interacts appropriately with 1-2 other children = P+ (though she ignores her brother a lot of the time... that's probably pretty typical)

Fine Motor

3 years

• Copies shapes (horizontal & vertical lines, circle) = M
• Builds a tower of 8+ blocks = M
• Strings 4 or more 1/2 inch beads = P+
• Undresses, attempts to dress = M

4 years

• Demonstrates hand dominance = M
• Cuts a straight line 4-5" = M (this is one of her favorite past-times)
• Copies shapes (circle & cross) = M-
• Draws a face with 3 clear features = M (her drawings are so cute)
• Puts on coast, shoes/boots = M (we'll have to start doing this at home more, she fights us at every turn and suggests, "How about mom does it?")
• Demonstrates mature pencil grasp = P+

Cognitive

3 years

• Matches colors and shapes = M
• Understands size (big/little) = M
• Counts 3+ objects = M
• Shows beginning knowledge of categories (food, toys, clothes, etc.) = M

4 years

• Names 9 colors (r,y,o,g,b,p,bl,br,w) = M
• Names 7 shapes = M- (I was surprised to see a minus on this one, because she can tell you all the basics at home, plus octagon, pentagon, & crescent)
• Recognizes name in print = M
• Counts at least 5 objects = M
• Sequences 3 pictures = M

Language

3 years

• Follows 2-Step, related directions = I (this is a big one to master for kindergarten success)
• Uses 3-5 words in sentences = M
• Names at least 25 common objects = M
• Answers simple "what" questions = M

4 years

• Answers questions about familiar stories = P+
• Tells use of common objects = M-
• Identifies actions in a picture = P+
• Understands spatial concepts (in, on, under, etc.) = I (we're working on this at home, too)

Gross Motor

(I'm going to skip this section, because thankfully she has mastered everything in both the 3 & 4 year areas)

School Readiness (all ages)

• Attends in a whole-group activity = P+
• Transitions from one activity to another smoothly = M
• Can do age-appropriate work/play independently = M-
• Entering/Exiting routines (ie. backpack, folder, coat, etc) = M
• Waits turn in a group activity = M
• Participates in all required activities = M

Sensory Registration

• Tolerates substances on hands/face (glue, cream, etc) = M- (she doesn't really like anything on her hands)
• Tolerates movement activity when feet are off the floor = M (this is an area we've really seen growth. She used to be so scared to be lifted off of the floor.)
• Tolerates being near others = M
• Moves through room safely = M
• Tolerates noise and light = P+ (she gets very nervous with loud sounds, despite the fact that she is often making more noise than anything else in a room)
• Eats variety of snacks, food & drink = M (I'd give her an M- at home)

Oral Motor

(has mastered all of these... appropriate tongue movement, lip movement, air control, etc.)

Her teachers comments: (anything in parentheses are my comments)

Abby has been doing so well this year so far! It is great to hear so much more language from her this year, and it is good to see her seeking more play with peers as well. (She asks things like, "Wanna play a game?" even if she doesn't follow through with the back and forth play so well) she has increased her counting skills as well as her knowledge of letter sounds- she is able to name all of the letters already and the sounds are coming along quickly! (she has been identifying her letters at home for a long time now) She continues to be a joy to have in class!

She continues to be a joy to have at home, too!

Almost Half-Way Through Chapter Four.

Have I mentioned how much I love my new laptop? I LOVE IT! I'm sitting on the couch next to my kids watching a second episode of Super Why (Abby's favorite!). We are all still in our pajamas and enjoying a lazy Sunday morning. I was inspired to write, because as I was zoned out reading the most recent issue of TIME magazine, Abby was trying to get my attention.

I've become very good at tuning out the world around me as I read, much to my husband's, and probably my children's, annoyance. But I'm pretty sure I've heard other mothers speak about this ability before. It's a survival tactic if any of us are expected to maintain our sanity amongst the squeals and screams of sibling rivalries, adolescent girls and/or the communication break-down that so often IS Autism. I was deeply engrossed in TIME's "Best of..." list for 2009, when I realized Abby was saying, "Mom, I want to talk with you!"

Whoa! No whine? No scream? A simple and straight-forward, "Mom, I want to talk with you." Amazing? Sure. But not what inspired this posting.

When she finally did get my attention, it was to tell me that she wanted to watch another Super Why as the first was ending. After I'd set up the initial episode to play from the DVR, she'd demanded, "Put the remote controls away!" I had joked, "Yes, Ma'am!" as I put the remote "away." When I reminded her of her sassy-pants instructions earlier, she smiled, wrinkled her nose and did a little sniff/half-laugh at herself.

She appeared so grown up to me as she enjoyed our little inside joke. I enjoyed it, too. Had the room been filled with other adults, it's likely that no one else would have understood our little joke. It wasn't really all that funny and deserved little more than the sniff/half-laugh that she bestowed it, but to me it spoke volumes.

It was the first time that she and I really connected on a more mature, inside-joke kind of level. My little girl is not a toddler anymore. For the most part she has shed the habits of a toddler and is now a small child. And I like it. I'm relieved.

I was reminded of something a friend said to me once a few years ago. Her daughter was just three and Abby was still a baby. I asked my friend, out of curiosity, if she planned to have any more kids. She answered, "No. I don't do so well with babies. I love them, but I'm better with kids." It struck a chord deep within me and I've thought of that often over the years.

I think it struck me, because at the time I was feeling guilty that while everyone around me was counseling me to "enjoy them while they are this little, because it goes by so fast," I was daydreaming about the day when I could have a conversation with Abby. I was longing for a little girl instead of a baby.

I was already keenly aware of how fast the time was flying, but I was grateful instead of sad. I knew what my friend meant. I adored my children as babies, but I'm happy to reminisce through pictures and memories, while making new ones. I might occasionally think warmly of Bean's tiny hand wrapped around my waist, tickling my skin as he nursed, but those memories are also accompanied by memories of sleep-deprived days when I was not at my parenting best. And while I might miss the feel of their tiny bodies in my arms, I do not miss those times when I felt downright "crazy". Not one bit.

I'm trying my best to enjoy these moments when my kids are small, because I know these moments are fleeting, but I'm so looking forward to inside jokes, hearing stories from my kids in addition to me telling stories to them and having real conversations with them.

It's the collective chapters that make a whole story. Like with every good book, I can hardly wait to get to the next chapter and in the end, as I finish the last chapter of our book, it will surely be bittersweet.

(All photos by Grandma Mary Johnson)

None, but Ourselves.

Abby came to me while I was making dinner tonight and said,

"I'm so tired. Time to put on pjs."

I gave them to her and said that she could put them on by herself while I finished dinner. She needed a little help with her shirt, but she pretty much dressed herself. I was struck by what a big girl she is becoming and told her how proud I am of her. Then I scooped her up like a baby and asked,

"What happened to my little, tiny, Baby Abby?"

She told me she is a big girl. I said,

"I know, but you used to be my little baby and I would hold you like this, and rock you while I sang, 'Oh, pirates, yes they rob I. Sold I to the merchant ships. Minutes after they took I, from the bottomless pit...'"

This time she sang along with me.

She remembered and sang a few lines.

Word for word.

I melted.

When she was that colicky little baby, screaming in my arms, I would sing every song that I knew word for word to her. Not only in hopes that it would soothe her, but also as a means of soothing myself. And what song worked most often on my little Nordic, blonde baby? Bob Marley's Redemption Song.

"Free yourself from mental slavery.
None but ourselves can free our own minds."

Unimpressed

I recently put up some Christmas lights in our front yard. I was quite proud of myself. This was by far the most lights outside that I'd ever done. I wrapped white lights up our swirling topiary bush, then multi colored lights on the shrub next to it and continued to alternate white and multi-colored lights along the bushes that line the front of our house. There are 5 decorated bushes in all and a peace sign I made last year hanging on the house. We are one of many houses in our new neighborhood that decorate with lights at Christmas. I was excited to show Abby our display.

She was fresh out of the bath with her pj's on, so I bundled her up in her coat and a hat and we went out to see the lights.

She looked at the neighbors houses, then ours and said simply,

"Needs more."

Then she walked back up the driveway and into the house.

Apparently my light show needs work. Clark Griswold I am not.

(image from 1989's Christmas Vacation via google images)